Feels like failure

Honestly, I’m feeling pretty nervous lately. Anxious. As the grant project I’m working on comes closer to ending, it doesn’t feel like we’ve made any real progress with it. Do we have support to continue it? Sure. Everyone knows it’s a good idea to have an in-person position deal with helping people quit smoking. I think everyone assumes it’ll still be around, but there could very well be the chance it doesn’t and I’m out of a job.... and more importantly, a nice paycheck. We are still working to find a way for someone to pay for it.l and that it’s worth keeping.

I’m frustrated with the project. I feel limited in what I can do? Like it’s not my responsibility to email marketing etc, but my colleague is distracted and doesn’t speak the lingo when discussing technology.

I feel like I’m drowning.

I feel like giving up, yet I don’t know what keeps me going.

I feel like a failure at my job. That I suck as a counselor, because someone recently stated, “yeah it just sounds like you talk in circles sometimes.” Well... honestly, it’s because I do. I recognize that. Many of my patients struggle with deep stress and anxiety and idk how to get them out of that. And it’s all the same- they want to quit for ABC reasons and those are their challenges. And nothings changed. Or we have good discussions and yet a week later (a WEEK) and they say the same shit over again and I have to remind them- didn’t  we just recognize smoking doesn’t work anymore yet you continue to fucking do it anyways.

I can’t get people to set a quit date for anything.

“I’m too scared.” “Let me just taper down” how about fuck no, Because that doesn’t work.

I wrote my first grad school paper today and didn’t have a fucking clue what it was really asking us to write on. It was confusing as hell and I’m sure I’ll fail the paper. I feel like I picked social work because people told me to. Yes, it meets my end goal, but when I think social work, I think extreme liberals wearing pussy hats who praise Hillary Clinton. Can I be a conservative leaning social worker?

Anyways- feels like doom and gloom.

I realize I haven’t been doing anything positive to fill my bucket lately. I’ve expended a lot of energy for others and while I absolutely love doing and caring for others- I just don’t care about XYZ right now. I need a break. I need therapy. I need my life to fast forward until next year so I know if I have a job or maybe I’m homeless... my psychics say the job goes on, but there’s some gray area where there may be a lapse in work. I just cant handle that right now.

I know life will be fine. I do not regret leaving my former job. I would’ve been hospitalized with depression had I stayed there. It was eating my soul.