Size Matters

I've always had a weird relationship with weight loss. A big part of me has never stuck with trying to get to my goal weight (145lbs), because I get comfortable just being me. However, how often do I hate how I feel in my clothes or hate how I look in pictures of myself? Quite often. It's never motivated me though, clearly. So why now?

Truthfully, why not? I've tried the fat life and it sucked. When I was with B, we ate and drank our way to gaining 30lbs. THIRTY. What in the actual fuck. And having lost 20lbs since my highest weight, people who haven't seen me in a while all comment how good I look. Really? Was I that bad before? Honestly, yes. I knew I was getting big, but when you're in a shitty relationship with someone who thinks you're lazy and fat is depressing. Anyways... as I re-enter the dating scene, I want to look good. I'm all for feeling comfortable in your own skin, but I really don't right now.

I've been chatting with a dude friend over the last several months. Harmless flirting. It would never work with him, but drunk Amy once said something about being friends with benefits if I was ever back in town. And I honestly have ZERO intentions of following through, but I think he thinks it's legit. Cue to seeing a picture of him on social media.... and I just can't. He's pretty damn large and frankly, I'm disgusted. I haven't seen him in nearly 8 years and pictured him the same as before.  I've never been one to drool over someone who's got a six pack or really care about that. Dad bods are ok. Even at B's highest weight, I wasn't grossed out. I loved him thin or bigger.

So I'm snap chatting with Dude Friend and noting that I'm working out tonight and it leads into saying I have big goals this year and no one likes a fat chick and his rebuttal is "its what's on the inside that counts". To a point, buddy. And he's one of the most nicest guys I know. Super genuine. But size matters. As a big person, flying is uncomfortable, sitting at a baseball game sucks, feeling sexy is nonexistent.

I have a drink date tomorrow and curious why New Guy is suddenly all about me. My head often says doesn't he realize how fat you are!? how not sexy that is naked?  So today I started 21 Day Fix and am trying my hardest to stick to healthy eating. Now is seriously the absolute BEST time to make healthy habits and lose weight. I always thought to myself when I was with B how, if I were single, I'd do these programs, because I wouldn't have the temptations of drinking and eating bad food be in my face all the time.