Grad School and Self Worth

Last Monday I started grad school.

That still feels odd to type or say out loud. Grad school. It always seemed like some elusive thing I would never actually do, despite having said early on that I would someday complete my PhD. And I'm not sure I'll get to that or not. There's quite a bit I will be able to do with my MSW. My goal is to be a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker (LICSW). I'm starting to realize now what a task I am taking on. The classes haven't been bad so far. I'm not completely loving it, but I find the material interesting. If only I had more time to really read and take the time to comprehend it all. It's tedious.

I announced this good news of being accepted and starting grad school and there have been many people who've shown support. While very appreciative, internally, I find it hard to accept praise. It is my severe battle with self-worth that prevents me from being too excited about anything. It feels like the good things are meant for everyone else. And don't get me wrong- my life is quite amazing and I'm so very thankful for everything, particularly that has happened over the last year. However, I struggled with feeling worthy before all of this. It's been a battle for as long as I can remember. The last time I felt good about myself was in high school. I felt bad ass. I was confident. I didn't take any shit from people. I'm not sure how or why that changed.

I receive a lot of praise from my boss, which is fantastic, of course. But I always question- is it because her former hire was such a train wreck? (long story) Frankly, I know I'm an amazing employee. I get shit done. That's just who I am. But yet- it's hard to accept praise.

Personal friends have praised me in similar ways lately regarding school. A friend and I went to happy hour tonight (and I'm proud I did not drink! So I would have a clear head for school work.) and she said that I am a better student than she was. She has exclaimed how proud she is of me for school and how I'm doing things.

And let me just say- it has taken EFFORT to do all of these things. This whole last year. EFFORT. Things I have managed to accomplish, but yet have no idea where I found the gumption for it. Because I can tell you- I very much want to not do anything ever. If I could win the lottery, I am sure I would be a hermit. So it's weird to be praised for things. It feels boastful to accept praise. That's it. Because I feel embarrassed by praise. Shy. I feel so undeserving. Yet on the other side, I feel like I'm judged for the things I have. The BMW, the brand name things, some nice jewelry etc. I am aware what is seen from the outside, but most are not aware of how I feel inside.

A cousin's wife recently posted she felt inadequate, because she was often comparing herself to college classmates she graduated law school with recently. Seeing their "success" on social media and feeling jealous she was not in a similar spot. I commented that what we see online is just the shell and for example- my recent trips for work- you may see the pictures and how grand it all looks. But inside, I didn't feel like going out to do those things despite the amazing opportunity. I didn't want to spend the time or money visiting the Golden Gate Bridge alone , but felt obligated to because I was there. She didn't see it that way.

Idk... the grass is not greener on the other side. Yes, I am going to grad school, but I am slowly learning just what exactly I have taken on. There will be many sacrifices in my future as I start practicum and field work. I don't know how I will be able to afford it financially. Perhaps saving my loan refunds as rent money for down the road. And to me that feels like I'll be just robbing future self to pay for something now, because of this sacrifice. All for the sake of letters behind my name and better job growth and opportunities. I have done surprisingly well for myself just having a Bachelor's degree, currently making more than I should for really what I do.

Forever thankful, but desperately trying to find grace in accepting all the applause.