Forgiveness

There was a lot of things that were said by others after my breakup... some things I really didn't want to hear, other things I should've very much listened to and yet more that were never said. For instance, I really wish someone would've told me- no matter how hard this is, take everything. Take it all and run. Because damn if I didn't wish I had taken all the Le Creuset, my cabinets, my literally brand new sectional, mirror and rug for the living room. I foolishly thought we could work it out and get back together.

So- when your friends break up- do them a favor and tell them to just take it all. mkay?

Anyways.... I've spent the last year and half working through my grief. It has come and gone through all the typical phases... anger.. acceptance..bartering... etc. The one thing no one told me, but I read a hundred times? Forgiveness.

Forgiveness isn't about them, it's for you.

Again, I read that maybe a hundred times or more.... What do you mean FORGIVENESS? How can I forgive someone who cheated on me? Who lied to my face probably countless times? How can I forgive him just casting me aside like I meant absolutely nothing to him? Why didn't I mean anything to him!?!??!?!? 

Those are all the things I've battled with and more. I spent nearly 5 years putting everything into him and our relationship. Sure, he came damaged from losing his dad and his divorce. I thought if I could love him enough, it would change things. I thought if I could be the perfect girlfriend, all the challenges we had in the relationship would go away. If I could do better, be better etc.

Yesterday I was just emotional. I lost both grandpas in the month of June years ago and whatever reason, thinking a lot about Scout. I miss them all so much. Stupidly I looked at the ex's facebook and see that the woman he was cheating on me with "officially" moved in with him. Pictures of them galore on his page, even his profile pic is of them. In the almost 5 years we were together, never once did he or I update our profile pictures to one of us together. I guess that says something, huh?

I loved him. I loved him with every fiber of my being. I wanted so desperately for it to work out. He has so much potential as a person, but his demons really keep that from happening. And I don't just mean the him I wanted him to be. No, the him that he really could be. How he really could have the things he wants in life if he just lets go of the past and such. I think that was the guy I loved. Because there was a lot of bad times. Every single day there was something that made me feel like I was never good enough. He rarely complimented me. Blatantly told me the things I did for us/him, should not be things he has to 'praise' me for. All I was seeking was assurance. I was forever looking for how he treated me when we first got together. He was obsessed. Made over the top effort. Called me Pretty Girl. Even in those honeymoon months... I wasn't happy though. He was alllllways traveling for work, getting to the point where I maybe only saw him on weekends and by that time he was so out of his mind stressed, the first thing he did was come home, run up the stairs to love on me and then we went to the bar where he would get belligerently drunk, where we would come home, he would pass out sprawled on top of me starfish facing up. So utterly disrespectful when I couldn't sleep because of that. In 5 years, he only apologized once. One time. And that was the night I almost left him. I couldn't deal with the drinking. He threw up allllll over the bedroom. I was livid and running on no sleep. He knew he was thisclose to losing me. He apologized, telling me "Im so sorry... I'm just so messed up inside." I don't know why I stayed.

Life eventually got easier, but the sex had stopped and he no longer loved me like he first did. Always hating me for something. At least that's what it felt like. I felt like he hated me at times. But I do know he loved me. There was never a doubt about that. He did. The drinking was always an issue for me though. And I waited. I waited for him to figure himself out enough to be happy, enough to figure out where we would settle down... east coast? I kept my shitty telecommuting job that I hated because it was easy to keep that job in case we moved somewhere else. And in between all of that I lost myself. I felt beat down from trying to be everything to him. To love him enough, to love him more than enough. I thought love could make him happy.

For a long time I was angry he cast me aside and slid her right into my place without skipping a beat. Even his emails to her were nearly word for word stuff he used to tell me when we got together. And although logically, I could take solace in the fact that he is literally reliving our relationship with someone else... there was always a big part of me that was still shocked that he just left me. There was no warning. I kept asking how someone could do that to someone. To pretend everything is fine and then one day come home and say it's over.... idk that I'll ever wrap my head around that.

but I've been thinking a lot while driving .... and all of a sudden as I passed by Burnsville....forgiveness. It popped into my head and dawned on me that really, we are all just trying to love ourselves. I don't think he ever meant to do what he did to me on purpose. He hated seeing me cry and would run out of the room the days after the breakup and before I moved out. Would literally run and tell me not to cry, because he knew that he was the one who caused the tears streaming down my face.

I've struggled with the breakup, because he told me he felt like he was holding me back. Struggled, because I agree. I waited. I was waiting for him to decide so that I could have my turn to figure my career out. And after the breakup, my life did really take off. Months later I got a new job that challenged me and fulfilled me in ways I never thought possible. I started grad school. I traveled the country for work and not only navigated NYC alone, I absolutely fell in love with it and want to move there someday.

Forgiveness.

He never set out to hurt me, but was only trying to love himself the best way he knew how. He thought I was the solution (like he does her now)... but he still needs to see that it's not who we are with that solves the trauma he went through before me... it's something he needs to do within himself. Surprisingly, he does recognize that, but doesn't want to do the work, so he jumped into things with her. All my psychics tell me he will never be happy... things don't work out with her... etc. I am neither happy or unhappy about that. I think that is just a fact I've known all along.

So.... forgiveness isn't about him, it's for me. It's acknowledging what transpired over 5 years together. The good and the bad. I'll miss the good, but I will never forget the bad. I do forgive him. I think he tried in his own way. And while I still hate he slid her into my place.... I can't be mad anymore he's just trying to figure himself out to be happy. Repeating the past (me) doesn't bode well for the future though. And all I have to say is, Heidi... it's your turn, bitch. Good luck. I, too, was intoxicated with the lifestyle he and I shared. It's fleeting though and once you're out, you realize how fake it was... then you realize the debt it put you in isn't worth it. I enjoyed my time, but I'm closing that chapter. I feel that I'm ok to pass by him in life (think the end of the movie The Breakup) and acknowledge the person... but know that that moment in life is over. Bittersweet.

He was a karmic lesson and I do hope I learned it. Shit was rough. I'm ready for a relationship filled with love, trust and communication.