Truth: I thought I dealt with my eating disorder.
Truth: it hides sometimes, but it's always there.
I don't feel that it has the same toxic hold on me as it did in college. I'm not tortured by it like I was then. I don't feel like I'm dying to control something and food is my only way of doing that.
I'm still trying to fill a void.
But I'm realizing that food doesn't cut it anymore. I don't get the same pleasure or release as I once did.
I've been eating like shit though- overeating- to cope with stress. Sometimes I just feel like I'm drowning. Today I attended a lunch and learn thing. And really, I go for the free lunch, because the sandwich they include is usually awesome. However, today was about reflective writing. Our leader read a poem and we were given 5 mins to react to it. It was something about the circle of life. The rabbit dies, but birds use its fur for warmth. And all I could think about was how my friend Drew killed himself and no matter how absolutely devastating that is, the silver lining is that it brought awareness to mental health and how even the seemingly funny/loving friend can be battling something deep inside and that the stigma of mental health needs to go away. People need help.
She asked for people to share what they wrote and I realized I wouldn't be able to keep my shit together if I dared speak about Drew. One lady mentioned troubles with her teen daughter. Another just commented about the circle of life. and my coworker wrote but didn't share outloud that she didn't understand the task. LOL. But for me, writing about Drew brought up that I haven't come to terms with it. I'm not sure I ever will. He was out of sight, out of mind for a really long time as my life is not what it once was. I don't see the same people anymore or hang out at those old spots. So it's a weird disconnect. Drew isn't here. Drew is gone forever. He made a decision that is really extremely hard to come to terms with, because outside he was just Drew. Sure, a little lost, but had a ton of friends and was well loved by SO many.
I keep saying I think I need therapy. At first it was very much about my breakup and to that, I still think I need some therapy. I'm now battling how I want him, but he doesn't want me. How could he not want me? It's a new layer to that. At first it was just about coping with my entire world ending and picking myself back up. And now it's this weird- I want him, but reminding myself Amy, he doesn't want you. He broke up with you. Keep moving forward..
Anyways.... I've been stuffing my face, because I'm overwhelmed. Drew passing brought up A LOT for me that I thought I was over. And in the middle of all of this is trying to be the student. And keep moving forward with life. Work is crazy.
I really just want to leave for a few weeks. Instead I'm coping by numbing myself with food and tv. My apartment is a mess, which would tell anyone is the physical representation of my mental state. I know I need to get back to Keto, because that's my 'medicine' for eating. It's my cure, because I lose interest in food and feel amazing, no brain fog and sleep is back to normal. Right now I just feel like swimming in the pool of what I'm doing right now.
That's all for today.
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