That's why I didn't go onto school.

Aging is a really fucked up thing and I think as a person, we must also consider that our parents are going through this aging process at the same time and it's all just really complex.

Lately, it has become evident that my dad is struggling mentally with everything he has repressed over the years, particularly losing his parents. He has also recently dealt with job loss and surgery this year. He refuses therapy despite 2 sessions with a counselor because she just wants to bring up everything I've buried. So now his anxiety and depression is manifesting physically, which means panic attacks and going to the ER.

I've had the opportunity to spend time with my mom as well and she mentioned over the weekend she doesn't quite understand me going for my masters. "All you do is write papers. I couldn't do that. That's why I didn't go back to school." And it was just interesting to learn more about why she stayed working where she did all these years. She also reiterated how when I was young how much my dad was missing out on my brother and I growing up because he was working too much. And it is even my personal opinion I grew up with one parent, because my dad was working a lot. He missed out on so many events, he was not someone I relied on. I feel he had misguided approach and felt that money to provide for us was more important than him actually just being there.

It's interesting as I age getting to know my parents differently. They're no longer just my parents, but individual people and that's a complex new relationship.

On top of all that is coping through these changes. The other week I was slightly emotional and it's apparent I never processed through how I felt about my mom's cancer last year and a close friend committing suicide. I've always relied on my psychic understanding for things, but don't always allow for the human part of me to process. My friend who passed appeared in my kitchen the night before his funeral. And that interaction allowed me to say goodbye, but despite that knowing and understanding, I haven't really thought about how I feel about his actions.

Someday I will go to therapy. Promise.